AL THINGS CONSIDERED
FOR WHOM THE BELLAVIA TOLLS
my mom’s friend pat bellavia died yesterday … boston buddies new to “al things” don’t know who i’m talking about … but long time readers will remember her … her no bullshit sense of humor prompted one friend to propose marriage to her and a couple others to request adoption … if local scenesters give me a chance, i’ll describe her for them … pat bellavia would have been the mature woman sitting at the bar in the club you were in that prompted you to remark to your friend to “hey, look at the old broad over there” but when you eventually made it over to get another beer, she would have made you laugh out loud before you could tip the bartender … by the second or third round, you would have forgotten why you went to the club and would have just sat at the bar listening to her stories … by last call, you and your pals would have realized you had a new buddy … you would not be surprised to find yourselves heading over to another gin mill that pat knew was still open … finally, you would have given her a lift home, dropped her off with a grin and a hug, and drove home thinking you just had one of the most remarkable nights of your life … that was pat bellavia …
IN HER OWN WRITE
once after hearing me tell of my wife kathryn’s many harebrained schemes, pat sent me this:
“I think if I am not the Queen of Harebrained Schemes at least I am the crown princess. I go to so many of the goofstuff (sometime in costume) that I must absolutely top anybody. You mentioned Pulaski. Every year I go to Pulaski Wisconsin to a Polka fest that is in a town with 2200 people and draws 15,000 people to the tents. It is ALWAYS sweltering, ALWAYS raining and ALWAYS crowded. The town is 3 blocks long and has 8 bars and after the tents close the music continues in each of them. One is actually a Polka biker bar. You go back to the hotel, sweaty, tired and muddy. I love it.
How about taking tapdance lessons. For Halloween in the past 10 years, I have been Cher, Tina Turner, Dolly Parton and the World’s oldest hooker. I have danced on tables in Mexico, picked apples (don’t do it), worked on a farm (absolutely don’t do it). I take my grandaughters to hotels for their birthdays and crash weddings. They love it. We crashed Danny Cohen’s Bar Mitzva and had a great time. It’s amazing how invisible a person can become.
Anyway, these are a few of the harebrained schemes, some cannot be told until everybody I know is dead or I am. Believe me, the “harebrained” people have a much better time than the sensible ones.”
UNTIL EVERYBODY I KNOW IS DEAD … OR I AM …
well, pat is dead now … and unfortunately, i never got to hear the harebrained schemes that she couldn’t tell then … but here is a bit of thanksgiving wisdom from her:
“My Thanksgiving thought is something that was on the wall of the Mayflower donut shop downtown. ‘As you travel on through life, brother, whatever be your goal, keep your eye upon the donut and not upon the hole.’ My donuts have always exceeded the holes.”
THE OLD BROAD STILL GOT IT
did you think my description of pat to those who did not know her was exaggerated? listen to this story of hers after reading about a halloween show my band performed at:
“Went to a kind of reunion, only polacks would have a reunion for anyone who went to the grammar or high school plus anyone who wanted to come the dinner dance. I danced with a couple of polka dancers, an Italian who did the tango,(who asked for my phone number and he was about 30, The old broad still got it) a spanish kid who did salsa (I asked HIM for his phone number, I think I am becoming a pedophile, ages 25 to 40). Had a great time then went to Pat Tito’s kids bar on 26 and Wentworth and they had a great rock band and stayed there until we all climbed into our coffins at daybreak and had a great pj party at Pat’s house. One of Pat’s kids lives in her house upstairs and when he came in, he asked why we were not at church. I told him that I had an affair with a priest and when I went to church, my heart broke all over again. Not sure whether he believed me or not. Your party sounds great and I wish I could have been there. I would have thought up a great costume, maybe an oriental accordion player with a blonde wig. I always did want to be blonde and play the accordion. And secretly I always thought of myself as Anna May Wong. (before your time) And in my younger days, I might have made a good jellyfish with a see through diaphanous pink net costume. Or pink saran wrap. But I am sure that I would love all those lunatics and aren’t you amazed that most people have no idea what to do with their lives. I think the true meaning of life is inanity and the best kind of death would be to die laughing. Or dancing. My mother used to say that I didn’t have enough sense to be depressed. But she also was a laugher and even poverty was a joke. No electricity? Light the candles like Cary Grant did in the movie we saw for 15 cents the night before. I do go on, so I will say that I am looking forward to your visit to the uncivilized world and sign off. P>S> Loved the songs, I forwarded your letter to Pat Tito, who thinks you are wonderful. What does she know.”
EVERYBODY LOVES BELLAVIA
though many of my readers never met pat, they all loved her and began to write me for more of her … here is just a bit of what they said about her:
liping song from the “beijing express” says: “i really believe your Pat is a fictional character, a wise and lovely one”
evelyn rosenthal from the “harvard art museum monthly” raves: “Thanks so much for sharing your friend Pat with us–she is an absolute gem–a real writer, whose writing, I’m sure, reflects her being a mensch of the highest order (if you can apply that term to women).”
brenda vellino from the “toronto sun” declares: “I love your new hero of That’s Not Al Folks; she’s got a lot of energy for living through all that and she’s got her finger on some kind of grainy wisdom that could make her a celebrity. If you publish a book of your memoirs/witicisms ect. I think it should be co-authored. She is your true soulmate!”
and michael plante from the “west virgina dirt diggers’ news” asks: “I love your friend Pat. Can you tell her that I’m 40…. was almost a priest…. and would love to have an affair with her? 
At the very least, you should make her a regular contributing columnist to soapboxing.”
STANDING PAT
once after a stretch of “al things considered” issues with no mention of pat, i received this query:
soapboxer dawn kipphut asks: “Where’s the beloved Pat Bellavia? I miss her words of wisdom. Can she adopt me? (Tell her that I’m already potty trained!!!) If she doesn’t want to adopt me, does she have any male offspring of marriage-appropriate age for me? ”
pat promptly posted a note upon reading dawn’s message:
“Message to Dawn Kipphut. Of course I will adopt you but you spend endless days listening to adages, advice and general inanities. But if you follow all the advice, listen to all the adages, the inanities will sound sensible to you. I don’t have any male offspring and if I did, I probably wouldn’t admit to it but I did meet 3 Brits at the knickerbocker bar downtown and they certainly were cute. One was 34, one 48 and the little kid was 19. Of course I would not do anything but talk to them since I am a little older but the more I drank, the older they looked. They wanted my friends and I to go to the Lincoln park area for bar parties but we decided to crash a company party at the hotel instead. Had a great time. Come to Chicago, Dawn and I promise you will find a friend or more. And to Al, if you are not moving to Chicago then I don’t like you anymore. But if you become governor, I will be glad to join you in Mass. and we can rule together, like the Perons, the Reagans, the Bakers (I insist on being Tammy Fay, no matter what you say) or Eleanor of Aquitaine. I am starting to like the idea of all that power. Tomorrow the world. Here are some more words of wisdom for Dawn. Whenever I feel that I shouldn’t stay out really late I think of my mom’s words “When you’re dead, you’ll sleep forever.” “I don’t expect anyone to make me happy and I don’t allow anyone to make me sad.” Here’s a good one to live by: “This is the true joy of life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one, the being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; the being a force of nature instead of a feverish little clod of ailments and grievances, complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.” George Bernard Shaw. What a smart man to agree with me.”
AN ELITE CLUB OF VERY SMART LUNATICS
meanwhile, while pat’s lawyers negotiated with me over the purchase of my mailing list and tried to force an intellectual content takeover, she wrote in with what she called “how the other 1/8th lives”:
“Regarding your friend Christine Sikorski and her question about whether she will regret anything in old age, I’ll use Ingrid Bergman’s (before your time?) line. “I don’t regret anything I ever did, only the things I didn’t do”. I add my own line and say I can’t think of anything I regret doing or not doing except one thing. I should have found a way to dance with Fred Astaire. Well, it’s not too late for Patrick Swaze or Gregory Hines. And fearing, like she did, that I will sound like a mushface. there is another line “It only takes a minute to say, “I love you”, how sad that so many people didn’t take that minute and spend the rest of their lives wishing they had”. I am beginning to feel as if I belong to an elite club of very smart lunatics (oxymoron) who really know what to do with time. Spend it wisely or waste it but don’t spend it being boring. I am looking forward to seeing you and you will not believe how much more beautiful and young I have gotten since you saw me last. (Power of suggestion really works sometime). See ya”
WHEN YOU ARE DEAD, YOU’LL SLEEP FOREVER
i love you pat bellavia … i will miss you sorely but remember you forever …
AND THAT’S AL FOLKS